Battle with Infertility

I am only writing this post to help with my healing process and bring attention to an issue that so many women DO NOT talk about. I really don't want anyone to feel bad for me or sad, but I do want to keep you all updated on what is actually happening here. I love you all and I have appreciated the support you have given me. Anyway, here it is...

Let's start from the beginning...Trevor. I never planned nor expected to get pregnant so easily within weeks of being married. But much to my surprise the little man decided he needed to come into this world even though mommy was on birth control. The thought never really crossed my mind that it might just be possible to conceive will taking the same pill I had been taking for years. After the initial shock my pregnancy Trevor was smooth to say the least. We saw his little heartbeat at 6 weeks, found out his sex at 20, 3D ultrasound at 26 weeks, and his final picture at 36 weeks. At 38 weeks (after being induced) Trevor made his appearance. I never once encountered any problems the whole time I was pregnant and I even like to brag about how smooth the whole thing was.

Moving on...Since Trevor came way before our initial life plan, Matt and I decided we needed to wait at least three years before we tried again. So that we did. Little did I know our journey to baby number 2 would be more difficult than anything we have ever encountered.

In May 2010 we decided it was time again and wouldn't you know it...I got pregnant on the first try. We were so excited we spread the news to everyone. Not once did I think that there would be any problems since I have never had any in that department. About 1.5 weeks after we discovered the pregnancy I became very ill with a stomach virus....and we had to move the following weekend (I never do anything the easy way). Accompanying my nasty stomach bug (I will spare you the details) was some very scary spotting. Trying not freak out I called my doctor and she assured me that it was probably implantation bleeding and to come in to the doctor the following day. That day I went to the doctor and received an internal ultrasound only to hear the doctor say she didn't see anything-not even the blood that accompanies a miscarriage. She tried to be encouraging and remind me that I was very early and that we would try again. Unfortunately, later that evening and into the next four days (during the move of course) I miscarried that baby. I went back to the doctor to make sure everything was out and I was okay to try again (and I was). She gave me clomid so that Matt and I could try to conceive before he deployed. Obviously, we were not successful. She also assured me that it was very unlikely that I would miscarry like this again.

So fast forward to May 2011 (deployment prevented baby making for awhile). Again I was on birth control because I planned on getting a job before we tried for another baby. Literally the day we were supposed to move I starting feeling "pregnant." I took a test just for the hell of it and wouldn't you know...it was positive. Shocked and excited we again told EVERYONE at our going away dinner. I also found out that night that my best friend was pregnant and due at the same time I was...how exciting. The next day we began our trip to AZ. The night of the first stop I had to make a trip to the ER because I had the sinus infection from hell and I was so miserable. After being up all night and several pregnancy safe medications later we arrived in Arizona. We were staying with Matt's cousin until we completed our big projects in the new house. After a couple days I woke up to no pregnancy symptoms and a hour later...spotting. I knew right then and there exactly what was happening and I just let it happened. About two weeks later I went to the doctor to make sure everything was out (which it was again). He then assured me that the chances of it happening a third time. We were told to wait two months and try again.

So along came July and we tried again for a little Browning. After testing way too early at the end of July I got a positive pregnancy test (I mean way too early). I was completely shocked and excited. A week and a couple test later Matt and I decided to tell just a few people since we can not keep secrets at all...besides my chances of miscarrying again were so slim. At five weeks I went to my doctor and he referred me to OBGYN. At eight weeks I went to my OB completely expecting to have a smooth appointment and see that perfect little heartbeat in an ultrasound. Matt, Trevor and I went to the appointment and got an external "old" ultrasound. When all they could see was the sac they sent me down to get an internal ultrasound just to help ease my mind. The minute I looked at the screen and saw an empty sac I just completely lost it. Now keep in mind that I have not yet had any signs of a miscarriage. I cried and cried and cried which is so unlike me. I was just in complete shock. I thought for sure this was going to be our baby...I mean after all I had made it to eight weeks right?!?!?

So here we are now. I had my blood drawn on Monday and Wednesday of last week to check on my HCG levels. And what a great birthday present they did not rise much at all. After a long weekend in Montana I returned to the doctor today to discuss my options. WE decided that a D&C would be the best course of action in this particular situation. On Wednesday (yesterday) I went and had the surgery. The process was relatively painless and I woke up from a drug induced sleep to what felt like a light period. I sleep the rest of the day and woke up this morning to just a bit of sadness and an urge to move on with my life.

So what's next? I don't really know. Once the pregnancy hormones are gone I have to have a bunch of test to determine what is causing them in the first place (though we may never know). We have to prevent for the next couple months and then we try again with all the available medications and hope for the best. I do not know what the future holds and I am trying my best not to find blame with God for these trials. I know He only gives us what we can handle but I am at my wits end with what I can handle in regards to having another baby. I guess I just go with the flow and cross those bridges when we get there.

I so appreciate all the encouraging words and kindness. I love you all so very much.